Damsel in Distress
A Play in Four Parts
by Matthew M. Lug
Cast of Characters:
Damsel
Director
Caveman
Knight
Cowboy
Police Officer
Priest
Maid
Student
Lady
Porn Star
Salesman
Mugger
PART I:
(DAMSEL is hidden from view in the middle of the stage. As CAVEMAN makes his way onto the stage, DAMSEL screams.)
DAMSEL: (Shouting) Help! Help! Can anyone save me from this horrible beast?
CAVEMAN: (Confused) Ug? (Wanders over toward where DAMSEL is hidden. After grunting a few times and scratching his head in frustration, he lets out a loud moan and hobbles away as fast as he can.)
(KNIGHT enters as DAMSEL repeats her plea.)
DAMSEL: (Shouting) Help! Help! Can anyone save me from this horrible beast?
KNIGHT: I'll save you milady. (Draws sword and rushes to DAMSEL's location. After reaching her, he slowly backs up and drops his sword.) What manner of foul, loathsome, base, disgusting creature is that? (Screams and runs away.)
(COWBOY enters to the same welcome as the previous two.)
DAMSEL: (Shouting) Help! Help! Can anyone save me from this horrible beast?
COWBOY: (Draws his pistol.) I'll save ya ma'am. (Moseys on over to DAMSEL.) What can I do fer ya, young missie? (Shouting) What the fuck? (Quickly walks away as if having seen a ghost.)
(POLICE OFFICER enters, munching on a jelly donut.)
DAMSEL: (Shouting) Help! Help! Can anyone save me from this horrible beast?
POLICE OFFICER: I'll handle this. (Walks over to DAMSEL with baton in one hand and donut in the other.) (Frightened) Dear God, no! (Runs away still screaming.)
DAMSEL: (Sarcastically) "Protect and serve," my ass!
(STUDENT enters, in jeans, t-shirt, sneakers, etc. He walks slowly across the stage with his hands in his pockets.)
DAMSEL: (Shouting) Help! Help! Can anyone save me from this horrible beast?
(STUDENT shrugs and walks over to DAMSEL.)
STUDENT: (Calmly, after standing near where DAMSEL is concealed for a few moments.) It's just two pi.
DAMSEL: Oh. Thanks.
(STUDENT walks away.)
(DAMSEL moves out of hiding wearing a t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers and holding a textbook, some sheets of paper, and a pencil.)
DAMSEL: Problem two. Evaluate the following equation: Integral from negative infinity to infinity of e to the negative j pi t cosine two pi fc t, dt.
(DAMSEL pauses and thinks for a moment, as if trying to solve the problem.)
DAMSEL: Here we go again. (Shouting) Help! Help! Can anyone save me from this horrible beast?
END PART I
PART II
(DAMSEL and LADY are back in a hiding place on stage, concealed from the audience, wearing little or no clothing. DIRECTOR walks out on stage briefly.)
DIRECTOR: Ok, places everybody. Damsel in distress, take two.
(DIRECTOR walks offstage. The parts of CAVEMAN, KNIGHT, and COWBOY are the same as before, and PRIEST has the same lines as POLICE OFFICER. DAMSEL's screams are a little less frantic, and are mixed with occasional moaning.)
(CAVEMAN lumbers onto the stage as DAMSEL begins her routine.)
DAMSEL: (Shouting) Help! Help! Can anyone save me from this horrible beast?
CAVEMAN: (Confused) Ug? (Wanders over toward where DAMSEL is hidden. After grunting a few times and scratching his head in frustration, he lets out a loud moan and hobbles away as fast as he can.)
(KNIGHT enters as DAMSEL repeats her plea.)
DAMSEL: (Shouting) Help! Help! Can anyone save me from this horrible beast?
KNIGHT: I'll save you milady. (Draws sword and rushes to DAMSEL's location. After reaching her, he slowly backs up and drops his sword.) What manner of foul, loathsome, base, disgusting creature is that? (Screams and runs away.)
(COWBOY enters to the same welcome as the previous two.)
DAMSEL: (Shouting) Help! Help! Can anyone save me from this horrible beast?
COWBOY: (Draws his pistol.) I'll save ya ma'am. (Moseys on over to DAMSEL.) What can I do fer ya, young missie? (Shouting) What the fuck? (Quickly walks away as if having seen a ghost.)
(PRIEST enters.)
DAMSEL: (Shouting) Help! Help! Can anyone save me from this horrible beast?
PRIEST: I'll handle this. (Walks over to DAMSEL with crucifix in hand.) (Frightened) Dear God, no! (Runs away still screaming.)
DAMSEL: (Shouting, with excessive emphasis on "god.") Oh God!
(PORN STAR enters, in typical 70's-style porn star clothing. He walks slowly across the stage with his hands deep in his pockets.)
DAMSEL: (Shouting) Help! Help! Can anyone save me from this horrible beast?
(PORN STAR shrugs and walks over to DAMSEL.)
PORN STAR: (Calmly, after standing near where DAMSEL is concealed for a few moments.) I think I have the solution to your little problem. Got room for one more?
(DAMSEL and LADY emerge from their hiding place and look over PORN STAR.)
DAMSEL and LADY: (In unison) Oh, yes!
(PORN STAR takes off his shirt and moves into position over DAMSEL as LADY feels PORN STAR up.)
DAMSEL: Here we go again. (Shouting in pleasure.) Help! Help! Can anyone save me from this horrible beast?
END PART II
PART III
(DAMSEL is in the hiding place again, and DIRECTOR walks out on stage again.)
DIRECTOR: Places. Damsel in distress, take three.
(DIRECTOR walks offstage. The parts of CAVEMAN, KNIGHT, and COWBOY are the same as before, and MAID has the same lines as POLICE OFFICER and PRIEST. DAMSEL's screams are somewhat less serious than before, and grunting and scraping can be heard coming from her location.)
(CAVEMAN lumbers onto the stage as DAMSEL begins her routine.)
DAMSEL: (Shouting) Help! Help! Can anyone save me from this horrible beast?
CAVEMAN: (Confused) Ug? (Wanders over toward where DAMSEL is hidden. After grunting a few times and scratching his head in frustration, he lets out a loud moan and hobbles away as fast as he can.)
(KNIGHT enters as DAMSEL repeats her plea.)
DAMSEL: (Shouting) Help! Help! Can anyone save me from this horrible beast?
KNIGHT: I'll save you milady. (Draws sword and rushes to DAMSEL's location. After reaching her, he slowly backs up and drops his sword.) What manner of foul, loathsome, base, disgusting creature is that? (Screams and runs away.)
(COWBOY enters to the same welcome as the previous two.)
DAMSEL: (Shouting) Help! Help! Can anyone save me from this horrible beast?
COWBOY: (Draws his pistol.) I'll save ya ma'am. (Moseys on over to DAMSEL.) What can I do fer ya, young missie? (Shouting) What the fuck? (Quickly walks away as if having seen a ghost.)
(MAID enters.)
DAMSEL: (Shouting) Help! Help! Can anyone save me from this horrible beast?
MAID: I'll handle this. (Walks over to DAMSEL with broom in hand.) (Frightened) Dear God, no! (Runs away still screaming.)
(SALESMAN enters, wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase.)
DAMSEL: (Shouting) Help! Help! Can anyone save me from this horrible beast?
(SALESMAN shrugs and walks over to DAMSEL.)
SALESMAN: (Calmly, after standing near where DAMSEL is concealed for a few moments.) I have here in my briefcase the answer to all your problems, miss. (DAMSEL emerges from her hiding place wearing an apron and holding a washbasin full of dishes, as SALESMAN pulls a box out of his briefcase.) Introducing new improved ultra Lady MacBeth dish soap. Guaranteed to get even your damnedest spots off dishes.
(DAMSEL faces the audience while holding the box.)
DAMSEL: (Cheerily) Here we go! Can anyone save me from this horrible beast? New improved ultra Lady MacBeth dish soap can!
END PART III
PART IV
(DIRECTOR walks triumphantly out on stage.)
DIRECTOR: Ok people, that's a wrap. Don't forget to make sure all props and costumes get back where they belong, we don't want a repeat of that incident last week with the bicycle, the horse, and the wedding dress.
(DIRECTOR walks offstage. CAVEMAN enters walking fully upright, like a normal human being.)
DAMSEL: (Shouting) Help! Help! Can anyone save me from this horrible beast?
(CAVEMAN stops in the middle of the stage.)
CAVEMAN: Huh? (Scratches his head in confusion, and continues walking.)
(KNIGHT enters while removing some of his costume as DAMSEL repeats her plea.)
DAMSEL: (Shouting) Help! Help! Can anyone save me from this horrible beast?
KNIGHT: C'mon lady, show's over. What kind of jackass do you take me for to think I'll fall for that one again?
(KNIGHT exits without investigating the shouts.)
(Cowboy enters to the same welcome as the previous two.)
DAMSEL: (Shouting) Help! Help! Can anyone save me from this horrible beast?
COWBOY: What the fuck is your problem? We've been doing this damn thing all day; some of us want to go home. Find some other moron for your sick games.
(COWBOY walks off quickly.)
(LADY and PORN STAR walk on stage giggling and groping each other.)
DAMSEL: (Shouting) Help! Help! Can anyone save me from this horrible beast?
LADY: (Not paying much attention to the shouting.) I've got all the beast I need right here.
PORN STAR: You know it babe.
(LADY and PORN STAR exit, still feeling each other up.)
DAMSEL: (Shouting) Help! Help! Can anyone save me from this horrible beast?
(MUGGER drags DAMSEL out from the hiding place, holding a knife to her throat.)
MUGGER: Will you shut the fuck up and just give me the purse? It's people like you who make me wish I had become an accountant.
(DAMSEL gives MUGGER the purse and MUGGER exits.)
DAMSEL: (Angrily) So much for anyone helping a damsel in distress these days.
(DAMSEL exits.)
THE END
Back to Stuff I've Written